A Judicator Must Judicate
by FluffPuffCat
Summary: Judicator Argo works hard to get the Spears of the Church to run smoothly.


Ever since the gargoyles restarted their Envoy Carrier service to allow for flights to the Ringed City, the number of intruders to Judicator Argo's church had increased significantly. With flight boarding located on a cliff at the bottom of the Dreg Heap and all flights being one-way, Judicator Argo hadn't imagined that such a massive influx of Unkindled Ash would be coming here. Who knew that the Ringed City was such a popular travel destination?

Stranger still was the sheer number of applications being sent to his covenant, the Spears of the Church. There were so many applicants that Judicator Argo hadn't even been able to give the new hires a tour of the church before Shira dropped another stack of applications on his desk. Almost every applicant was qualified, high-level Unkindled Ash with powerful weapons and armour. He ended up accepting all of them, if only to have a steady supply of Spears to protect the church from those conniving intruders.

After several days had passed, Judicator Argo began to grow tired of the constant stream of applicants and the near-endless sea of intruders that kept flooding into the church. His best employee, Halflight, had just submitted a request for vacation time after working non-stop, day and night, for two weeks. He couldn't blame Halflight, either. After fending off hundreds – possibly even thousands – of intruders, Halflight looked as bad as those wrinkled locust preachers down in that swamp.

With Halflight gone, Judicator Argo had to work tirelessly to match every intruder with a Spear. There was no off-time for him. If intruders didn't come, there were still thousands of applications to sort through.

Today, he sat at his desk in the office, frantically searching through a pit of papers for the resume of the next candidate in line. When he found it, he summoned that candidate into his office.

"Next!"

The candidate materialized in front of his desk. They wore the giant, bulbous armour of the Catarina Knights and held a long, flat executioner's blade in their hands.

"I am Sieghild of Catarina," a woman's voice spoke from behind her massive round helmet. "I have come to uphold the king's decree, to serve thee and the Princess Filianore, and to stop intruders from trespassing upon the church's sacred ground."

"Very good," Judicator Argo replied. "Can you elaborate on your qualifications?"

"I have a degree from the University of Lothric in Knight Studies, with a specialization in Poise Tanking."

"The University of Lothric?" Judicator Argo said, rubbing his chin. "I thought that place joined the Dreg Heap ages ago?"

"Yes, it did," Sieghild replied. "It's been two hundred cycles since I graduated."

"Well, it says on your resume that you've been spending most of your time since then as an Aldrich Faithful. Could you elaborate on that?"

"I was a most faithful servant of Saint Aldrich." Sieghild bowed her head. "Many trespassers upon the old cathedral fell to my executioner's blade. Throughout my career, I collected over three thousand dregs from my victims."

"Why did you quit your job?"

"Well, that...you see, some of the intruders came in large, overpowered groups. Saint Aldrich believed in fairness and only permitted three of us to fight them at once. We were...defeated, and the intruders broke past us and charged into Anor Londo, where they proceeded to slay Saint Aldrich in the blink of an eye."

Judicator Argo frowned. "So, you lost your job because your employer was defeated?"

"Yes. It is my one and only disgrace."

"Such tardiness will not be permitted when you join the Spears of the Church!" Judicator Argo roared. "You must stop the intruders at all costs. They must not be allowed to take even one step into the sacred mausoleum, where the princess Filianore sleeps!"

Sieghild fell to her knees. "I understand."

"Now that I've made myself clear, you're hired!" Judicator Argo bestowed the green-rusted grass ornament, emblem of the Spears of the Church, onto Sieghild's chest. "A squad of intruders is coming right this moment to the church. Prove your worth by delivering me their heads!"

She returned to her feet and bowed again. "At once!"

And with that, Sieghild vanished.

Judicator Argo sat back down onto his desk. The next candidate's name, a series of glowing white runes, appeared before him. He began rifling through his papers until he found that candidate's resume.

"Next!"

A tall, stocky knight dressed in almost impenetrable layered armour materialized in front of him. The knight wore a jousting helmet with no visible holes, making it impossible to see their face.

"What is your name?" Judicator Argo asked.

"Call me Lapp," the knight replied in a high, somewhat confused sounding voice.

Judicator Argo narrowed his eyes. "Your resume is completely blank. All you submitted was your name. Could you elaborate on your qualifications?"

"Well, I can't really remember who I am," Lapp replied. "I don't even know my real name! It's been ages since I've talked to someone who knows who I am. Do you know who I am?"

"Are you serious? You don't even know who you are?"

"I came to the Ringed City in hopes of finding the Purging Monument, since I heard that praying to it could allow me to recovery my memory. Except...well, I haven't been able to find it anywhere! All I did was follow the trail and that's how I got here."

"So why did you submit an application to the Spears of the Church?"

"I was hoping to meet somebody here who'd know me. It's important to stay optimistic, you know?"

Judicator Argo's eye twitched. He stared at Lapp, speechless. His mind reeled thinking about how this knight could even see where he was moving with that impenetrable helmet. He was unable to come up with any justification to hire this man.

However, there were intruders coming, and the Spears were stretched to their limit.

"You're hired!" Judicator Argo exclaimed. "A squad of invaders are coming to the church right now. Make haste and destroy them! Do not let a single one step foot into the mausoleum of the princess!"

"Wait, what? I thought I was-"

And with that, Lapp had vanished.

Judicator Argo sat down onto his desk. Before he could begin looking for the resume of the next applicant, Sieghild materialized into his room again.

"I have slain the intruders," Sieghild said, kneeling down. "I present to you proof of my victory." From within the vast enclaves of her Catarina Armour, she pulled out three heads. One of the heads was normal-coloured, but the other two were glowing white and yellow.

"Excellent work!" Judicator Argo pulled out a piece of embellished gold cloth woven with a crest of young grass. "Take this, an ornament of Filianore – proof of your devotion to the Spears of the Church."

"Thank you," Sieghild said. "Are there any other intruders right now whom I may fight?"

"Surprisingly not. You're on standby for now. I'll call you back when another intruder comes!"

"I understand." She vanished again, and the heads disintegrated into ash.

With a sigh, Judicator Argo went back to searching through his papers for the next candidate's resume. He realized that he really ought to get Shira to sort these papers by the order that the candidates arrived.

The next applicant materialized into the room. It was a beautiful young woman with long, flowing black hair. Actually, on a closer look, that wasn't hair at all. She wore an armoured crown behind which a mirage-like aurora veil drifted down her back. Her clothing was a long white robe, and she wielded two swords in her hands – one burning with fire, the other glowing with the deep hues of sorcery.

"I am Pontiff Kovalevsky, former ruler of Irithyll of the Boreal Valley," she said. "I am here to serve the Princess Filianore as a Spear of the Church."

"Very good!" Judicator Argo replied. "Could you tell me about your qualifications?"

"After the previous Pontiff of Irithyll, Sulyvahn the Tyrant, fell by the hand of a Champion of Ash, the city of Irithyll descended into chaos. It was I who unified the city before it was ruined by civil war. I freed Sulyvahn's slaves, slew the despotic Fire Witches who tyrannized the people, and rallied the Pontiff Knights to purge the city of the vile Deacons who worshipped Aldrich and the Deep. After order was restored, I was chosen by the people to be their new Pontiff, and I have ruled Irithyll justly ever since."

Judicator Argo raised an eyebrow. "It sounds like you're fairly well off. Why are you here, exactly?"

"With the fading of the fire, Irithyll eventually joined the Dreg Heap at the end of the world, and I could remain Pontiff no longer. I left my position and sought the Ringed City. My quest has brought me here."

"I see. How good of a fighter are you?"

She raised her swords of fire and dark. "In Irithyll, I was known as the Dancer of the Boreal Valley. None can stand against the fury of my blades. I will crush my foes with an onslaught of power like they have never seen before!"

"Good enough. You're hired!" Judicator Argo stood up and spread out his arms. "An intruder is coming to the church at this very moment. Go and destroy them! Do not let them take a single step into the mausoleum of the sleeping princess!"

"Understood. I will fight them at once!"

And with that, Pontiff Kovalevsky had vanished.

Judicator Argo sat back down onto his desk. To his surprise, no new name appeared in front of him. That meant that he had finished interviewing all of the candidates for the day.

He could finally take a break!

Actually, he rather liked doing his job. Sorting through thousands of papers and applicants was really much more interesting than sitting around with Shira all day and doing nothing back when they didn't have many intruders. Even if it was tiring, it at least made his days go by faster.

He decided to check up on how his spears were doing, and teleported himself into the chamber of Pontiff Kovalevsky.

Currently, there was no one in the chamber but the Pontiff herself.

"Judicator Argo? Why are you here?" she asked.

"Perhaps the intruders merely need a warning to understand the grave consequences of trespassing this church," he answered. "You may hide for now, Pontiff Kovalevsky. I will announce the king's decree to the intruders. If they continue to trespass, then you may come and eliminate them!"

"Understood," she said, and teleported away.

Judicator Argo could hear the doors to the church being opened, followed by the footsteps of the intruder entering the room.

"Unknowing visitor, return from whence thou camest!" he shouted. "The Abyss runneth deep. By the King's decree, none may disturb our mistress's slumber."

The intruder took a step forward.

"Turn back, unknowing visitor! By the King's Decree!"

He could see the shadow of the intruder approaching.

"Foolishness. The king's decree is no trifling matter. I, Judicator Argo, shall deliver thee justice!"

The intruder stepped into the room. Judicator Argo raised his arms and tilted his face towards the ceiling.

"Spear of the Church, sworn defender of our Princess Filianore! Harken to the call that summons thee! Make haste! Spear of the Church, by the sacred decree, protect our Princess. Spear of the Church, make haste!"

He looked down at the intruder, and froze.

It was a knight of Catarina, with a familiar-looking Executioner's Sword.

"What?!" Judicator Argo screamed. "Sieghild, you are a Spear of the Church, and yet you choose to intrude yourself?"

"Sorry, boss," Sieghild responded. "I need to go see the Princess. But I'll come back and continue my job after this, I swear! I'll stop the other intruders for you!"

"Foolishness. Foolishness!" Argo roared. "What kind of Judicator do you think I am, to let my own Spear turn against me?"

"Uh, the kind who's really understaffed and needs all the applicants he can get to fight the intruders with?"

Judicator Argo stared down at Sieghild.

"Good point."


End file.
